Personal: Happy Birthday Eli

My heart is racing. Just thinking about where I was last year at this time. Where I was standing, thinking, doing, and waiting for... It's hard to believe a whole year has passed. And that one moment. Just ONE. Changed everything I'd ever known. 

I doubt after a year, I'll be able to say what I really want to. What I think I planned on saying to you after your very first year of life. I never really thought I'd be this way as a mommy. I never, honestly, though I could love someone as much as I have loved your daddy. I was told, over and over again, how it would scare me how much love I'd feel for someone I'd never met. And truthfully, they were right. Although the first week with you was hard. Because I really didn't know you. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that you were actually mine. That daddy and I had helped create you!  You'd look at me with those sweet blue eyes and I'd cry. Mostly because I didn't know how to comprehend the feelings inside me. And that's because while everyone was SO right about how much I'd love you, they were mostly wrong about how you were going to act. I'd prepared myself for a long, hard year of sleepless nights. Crying fits, tantrums, and possibly hospital runs because you were so very fragile. I was sure you'd get hurt a lot or catch one too many colds. Or get awful fevers like your daddy did when he was little... But you didn't. And you slept like an angel from day one. You have only been sick once that I can remember, and it only lasted for three days. And your baby hair never fell out and your eyes never turned brown like everyone said. You never had a colicky fit and you never woke up in the middle of the night. Ever. I know so many mommys probably hate me because of how so very easy you have been. And I probably would too if you weren't mine. I wouldn't even believe such a baby could be like this. Truth is, I didn't believe it either. But you have changed everything I've ever thought about babies. About being a mother. About being a good person. 

I have been asked recently, on more than one occasion, if I'm feeling the itch to have another baby. I have thought so very much about this and the truth is...as so very perfect you are, I want to keep it that way for awhile. I want to spoil you and make sure I gobble up every single bit of baby you can give me while you're still little. I selfishly don't want to miss a single thing! And what to hear another truth? I don't want to push my luck! ;) I can't imagine that God would be so kind as to give me another perfect baby like you. Especially since I was so very scared initially that I wouldn't be able to even have you. But you are here. You are mine. And I love you so much it hurts. I just never thought it could be this way! 

Happy 1st Birthday my precious Eli!